On The Mindwalk

what a beautiful world!

2010-05-17T03:36:00.003-04:00

sleepless in the summer

everything is brighter

I've only got high hopes for the summer

and even higher hopes for the future

The world around me versus the world in my head

2010-04-26T23:54:00.002-04:00

The world around me seems to make less sense the longer I live in it.

I refuse to conform to the world around me.

The world inside my own head is so much more fun.

I'd rather wait forever for the world around me to conform to the world in my head than to lose the world in my head in exchange for a realistic view of what to expect from people.

Some call it stupidity, some call it ignorance, most call it insanity.

I call it a lifestyle.

notes from ... last friday? maybe last wednsday. Over a week ago

2010-04-16T00:56:00.001-04:00

predictions of the world to come

2010-04-05T02:24:00.003-04:00

1) I fail research methods

2) I drop out of school fully expecting to work two jobs over the summer so that I can travel around the world during the next two semesters as a break before going back to college.

3) I can't find enough work to fund the trip.

4) I refuse my parent's help to pay for it, due to guilt, mostly.

5) I settle on teaching in Nepal.

6) Work at a summer camp I loathe to pay for it.

7) It's not enough.

8) Frustrated, schooless and jobless for several weeks.

8.5) Turn 21.

9) Take the crown vic, and leave indefinitely, saying that I'm going to Mecca and back for reasons I do not expect you to understand, nor will I understand until the point of leaving.

10) End up in Nevada, hoping to find what Jens went looking for in the desert.

11) Fail.

12) In the desert on acid.

13) Yell at the single cloud.

14) Pass out.

15) Wake up in Las Vegas

16) Gamble the remainder of my money.

17) Pass out.

18) Wake up in the desert.

19) Can't find the crown vic.

20) Hitchhike to a freight train

21) Ride the rails.

22) Get caught.

23) Pay remainder of money for bail.

24) Ask for job in local diner, not entirely sure where I am.

25) Marry the hot cashier.

26) Live happily ever after.

WHAT IF!?

2010-04-03T02:55:00.002-04:00

everything you've ever thought has been wrong?

everything you've ever dreamed has been false?

everyone you've ever loved hasn't loved you back?

everyone you've ever hated wishes you weren't such a dick?

every day you make mistakes?

every day you don't make mistakes? ones that take you to new and fabulous places?

I have good news.

everything you ever thought has been wrong, but for the right reasons.

everything you've ever dreamed has been as real as you want it to be.

everyone you've ever loved may or may not love you, but the fact that you felt the love is what really counts.

everyone you've ever hated hates you too.

every day you create accidents, which aren't always mistakes.

every day at 3:00AM you will be too tired to stay up any later and contemplate on all the horrible things that have ever happened, are happening now, or will ever happen in the future.

I love you for everything you've ever been, everything you are, and everything you ever will be.

Sweet dreams.

2010-02-01T22:31:00.003-05:00

This semester is quickly turning me into an introvert, despite any outward appearances of joviality.

In the immortal words of Tom Gabel, only cowards sing at night.

In my own far too mortal words, everything is ruined forever.

It's not that I'm becoming a cynic. I'm still an optimist. In my heart of hearts, I know that everything is going to work out in the end.

It's just the light at the end of the tunnel isn't there anymore. I know it's there. It has to be there. That's how I work. I work for the light at the end of the tunnel. It's just oh so dark.

Give a Mouse a Cookie

2009-12-17T01:21:00.004-05:00

bad days aren't supposed to happen on snow days

2009-12-05T22:33:00.000-05:00

but hey, at least it snowed.

The World Is Different at One in the Morning

2009-10-29T01:19:00.004-04:00

I found my dad on the couch reading, and I talked to him for well over an hour. I told him about my hopes and my dreams and my fears. I haven't had a talk like that with him in a while. I cried. He cried. It was magical.

He needed to go to bed. I needed to take out the trash. I thought to myself as I was doing this about a wonderful little phrase.

"We need to make this world a better world for the broken."

I really don't remember my train of thought, but I remember peeing on the side of the road afterwards and wondering how my train of thought had gone from that quote to peeing on the side of the road.

I think it's better that it got there before I realized it.

Goodnight, moon! (I hope I fall asleep soon! Things make sense in ways that don't make sense at this time of night.)

St. Francis

2009-09-20T14:48:00.002-04:00

As I walked out my front door yesterday, I saw something amazing. There's a statue of St. Francis in my front yard with his arms across his chest. It's a very small statue and it's not something you notice if you don't know it's there. The area around him was completely clean, and the statue itself was spotless, except for the area created by his crossed arms. For some reasons, there was a ton of bird shit on the arms and the area created by them.

What a beautiful world.

The Crank and the Call

2009-08-09T22:25:00.002-04:00

In middle school, I had a good friend one year younger than me named Willy. We’d walk home from school every day together, and every now and then when one of us didn’t have homework, we’d go over to his house and play Gamecube. We pretty much stopped hanging out when he sold it to buy an xbox, which didn’t have any multiplayer games we both wanted to play. What a stupid reason to stop being friends. We hung out again later on when we played magic cards, but it wasn’t the same.

I don’t have any memories of Willy other than a smile and a vague recollection of playing videogames except for one big thing.

We would crank call collect companies.

It was the greatest. Every day we’d stop by the pay phone outside the local liquor store on our way home from school. Giggling, we’d look both ways to make sure nobody was around. We felt particularly scandalous when we could get my friend Shaheer to join us. He was a strict Muslim, and for some dumb reason it felt like we were adding a touch of blasphemy to our little game.

It was Willy’s idea. Not to say I’m not an idiot, I played along. We’d wait and listen to the machine until we could dial in the correct sequence of numbers to get transferred to a LIVE OPERATOR. Shit just got real. Shh! No laughing! Quick, stand guard until it’s your turn!

“Hello, this is 1-800- COLLECT. How can I help?”

Willy and my pubescent voices would fight over the phone. I can imagine the operator sighing. Not again. Willy’s voice would win over, as I relented to stand guard until my turn.

*Snicker* “Hi. How you doing…”

“I am here to assist you make a collect call”

“Oh come on. What’s your name?”

“I am not going to give out that information”

“Where are you?”

“I am not going to give out that information”

“What are you wearing?”

*Click*

Laughing maniacally, we’d run home. We were the biggest badasses who had ever fucking lived.

7 bugs hit eyes, 4 hit cheeks, 3 Bugs Swallowed, 3 Stuck in Hair, 1 In each ear, 1 UP NOSE!? while biking for two days

2009-07-19T20:57:00.003-04:00

I biked 80 some odd miles this weekend, and it felt terrible.

I mean great.

One of those two!

Actually it felt great. Just a lot more painful than I remembered, perhaps because I haven't ridden in some time. Pretty much since I've gotten my driver's license. In all fairness though, my bike's been really fucked up since the last bike trip and it didn't get fixed until the day before this last bike trip.

No matter the words, the point is that I've gotta drive less and bike more. A rather ironic lesson, considering my parents are giving me a card with which to purchase gas later tonight.

I'm starting to read again. Slowly but surely. My goal is one book every two weeks for the rest of summer. Not nearly what I was doing during the school year, but it's hard to read during the summer. It's too nice outside.

Current: J.D. Salinger, Nine Stories

John Updike, The Centaur

Upcoming: Catch-22

Life of Pi

summertime

2009-06-23T07:18:00.003-04:00

It's just occurred to me that my contacts have been in a lot of my dreams. I'll dream trying to put them in, but whenever I dream that, something's horribly wrong. They'll be shaped like ovals, or stars, or they'll be too big, or too small. I wonder what it means?

Speaking of sleep, my cat Shadow died in it last night. My dad's burying him in the backyard. I'm too weak to join him. I can't stand to see him like this this, he's just so fragile. All my memories are of Shadow being the toughest mother fucker who ever did live. Grab a bird out of mid-air. Fight off two raccoons. Climb a vertical wooden fence like ten feet tall. While being an old geezer, beat the shit out of cats who were in their prime. Shadow was the goddamn Chuck Norris of cats.

As Jens said, "Jesus Christ. Of course it'd take a tumor bigger than his head to take that fucker down."

Seeing shadow lately wasn't like that at all. Molly says he was tough for hanging on, and I suppose that's true. If I had a tumor on my back bigger than my head that made it impossible for me to walk without being in pain, I know I wouldn't be strong enough to keep going.

You know, I suppose those two raccoons actually were the ones that killed Shadow. Shadow died of a insane tumor which got infected.

The tumor was from the rabies shot.

Which he got because of the rabies vaccine.

That we wouldn't have been legally forced to get him.

If the raccoons hadn't got in a fight with him.

And made it so we needed to go to the vet and tell them what had happened.

I saw a raccoon fuckin' around in the yard two nights ago, and I wasn't nearly angry enough.

What sort of world do we live in, anyways, where even fucking cats are getting cancer?

I'm gonna go try and be strong for shadow and go help my dad, if he isn't done.

supposed to have been uploaded from AGES ago

2009-05-08T23:13:00.002-04:00

this is from like september

I was born a unicorn

2009-04-29T19:37:00.002-04:00

i don't like the way I came out and it's not very funny

2009-04-21T19:53:00.002-04:00

i can't get over that orange

2009-04-20T15:39:00.003-04:00

bitch, i'm deep.

2009-04-06T19:58:00.004-04:00

I wrote this poem on thursday.

I saw a hawk today. It was the first hawk I had ever seen flying in DC. It changed my life. I'm still working on how to describe it. When I do, it'll be on here.

short story for english

2009-03-17T00:41:00.002-04:00

I wrote this for english. I'm surprisingly proud of it, so here goes:

Jason and the Real World

   Jason sighed. His life had gone by too fast. Jason had a 1998 Toyota Camry. It was gray. Jason had gotten home before his wife and two children for once, he realized as he pulled into the driveway. The Subaru wasn’t back yet. He despised that white SUV his wife drove. It sucked up gas like his overweight son at dinner seemed to inhale the food. His thoughts wild, he felt a twinge of guilt for thinking such a thought. He debated getting out of the car but didn’t quite feel like it. Relaxing the seat back, he switched the radio to NPR. This American Life was on, and the story caught his interest. Hands clasped across his chest, he closed his eyes. His mind drifted from the story about some woman who had quilted the story of her entire life which filled up an entire room to the story of his life.
   He had never intended for his life to be this way. Or maybe he had. He had lived in a broken home growing up, and he had never wanted anything more as a child to make a home that wasn’t broken. He had married his first love, whom he had started dating in high school, immediately after college. He had gone, but she hadn’t. She wanted to go, but she wanted to go very far away, and had decided against it due to the fact that he was going to go to college close enough to home that they would be able to see each other frequently. He always wondered whether or not she resented him for it. She said she didn’t at night, as they got in bed, sometimes he would hold her and apologize and she would tell him not to worry about it but he did worry about it because when she would get back from work, she would have this tired look that she would give him. To him, she seemed to say, “You are the reason I am a forty year old receptionist in a doctor’s office. I wanted to be a doctor, remember that? She denied it; or rather he imagined she would if he were to ask her.
   Done thinking about such pointless quandaries, he opens his eyes. He turned off the radio, got out of the car. Scanned the neighborhood. He despised the planned community. He had always wanted to live in an old house on a hill. He’d gotten the hill, but overall the area was pretty flat. Every house looked the same, had the same trees bordering it, had the same windows, the same paint, the same shit just repeated over and over and over. He thought his dream was unique as he was growing up. Everyone wanted to travel or live in China or Europe or join the Peace Corps, but it seemed like everyone had taken his dream, all he ever wanted was to make enough money to support a wife and two kids without having to feel bad about where the money was coming from. Sighing, he locked the car. Why did he have to lock the goddamn car? He just wanted to live in a world where he could leave something unlocked and wouldn’t worry about whether it would be there the next morning.
   Walking to the door, he picked up the paper he had neglected to pick up the night before. Apparently 3% of all of DC was HIV+ or had AIDS. Another sigh as he unlocked the door. The lights on, he had been wrong, his kids had gotten home from school early. He waited for a minute to see if they’d come tumbling down the stairs to greet him, but the days of elementary school were over now, he needed to remind himself they were 18 and 16 now and didn’t particularly care if he was dead or alive. The dog came running, and a surge of joy hit him. He smiled and walked with the dog to the kitchen, where he scooped out some disgusting slop that used to belong to a pig and maybe a cow into a bowl and put it down for the dog, overjoyed the dog barked and started eating. Deciding he wanted a snack, he opened the fridge, only to hear the phone next to it ring. His daughter had a phone in her room, he figured he’d just let her get it. A yell came down from upstairs. “DAD, PICK UP THE PHONE!” Slightly confused, he picked it up. “Hey dad,” his son opened over the phone.
   “Tom? What don’t you just come downstairs?”
   “I just joined a new guild, and they need me so I can’t come downstairs.” Silence overtook everything for a few seconds. Jason heard clicking and clacking in the background. “Anyways, I was wondering.” Click. Clack. Click. “If you could bring me up a sandwich.” Click. Jason started to respond, tell Tom to get his fat ass downstairs to get his own damn sandwich, but realized that that last click was his son hanging up the phone. He decided to make a sandwich, bring it upstairs and eat half himself and give the other to his son, maybe they would be able to talk for once.
   Jason grabbed some whole wheat bread from the shelf, put on some turkey, lettuce, and mayo from the fridge and cut it in half. As an afterthought as he put the food back in the fridge, he grabbed a beer. Popped the cap, sipped the fizz. He heard his daughter come bouncing down the stairs, run in, and watched as she ran up to him, kissed him on the cheek. “ThankGodyou’rehomeIneedtogettothemoviesI’llseeyouatdinnerbye.” Sarah grabbed half the sandwich and ran out the door with his keys that he had left on the table. He heard another car pull into the driveway.

   His wife, frazzled, walked in the door. Janice eyed the remaining half of the sandwich. “Go for it.” She engulfed it as he sipped on his beer. He noticed her bra strap under her shirt, and once she had finished, before she could say “Hi,” he went in for a kiss. She giggled, “Not now Jack.”
   “Jack?”
   “Jason. Sorry. I’ve been working so much and Jack keeps asking me to do things.” Jason sighed. The owner of the practice she worked the reception desk at was named Jack. He was jealous, briefly thought there was something going on between them from her little slip, and got rid of the idea. “I’ve gotta go to the bathroom. Hang on.”
   As she left, he felt jealous again. He bet she didn’t treat Jack that way. Jealousy consumed him, and he tore through the purse she had left on the counter. Lipstick. Wallet. Keys. Condoms. Condoms? Jason had a vasectomy after Sarah had been born. Infuriated, he boiled until she returned. He threw the condoms at her. “What the FUCK are these?” Exploding, the rage consumed him. Rather than fight back, she started crying. The anger dissipated as she ran into his arms, dissolving. “He let me play doctor,” she sobbed.

life is good

2009-03-11T00:31:00.001-04:00

ever since I wrote a rap about how much I hate catholic, I've enjoyed it here.

GRANTED, most of that time, I was on spring break. which was AMAZING.

I've made two series of comics as of late, but they're both on my facebook. I don't really feel like uploading them here.

oh well. just wanted to put a placeholder up here so people wouldn't think I was depressed?

if Catholic starts to suck again I'll post the rap.

i'm not depressed, i'm just subdued.

2009-02-19T17:14:00.003-05:00

Amadeo doesn't really feel like he's here. I'm not quite sure who I am. I'm not me, and that bothers me. Amadeo has been trying to pinpoint the particular feeling that he gets at Catholic, and he finally got his finger on it, walking back from Psychology. It's the feeling of being subdued.

Amadeo hasn't made a decision in a few days. He doesn't really have motivation to do anything. Every now and then, he has a slight burst, and feels like Amadeo for a slight moment. When he has one of those bursts, he draws, or uploads, or does SOMETHING, and Catholic is a wonderful place, usually for an hour or so. These bursts are usually related to work (not school work. his job sometimes really gets him active,) Molly, or ideas that simply need to be done, despite whatever state he is currently in.

He's got a list in his head, of things that need to be done. He can only do them in those states. The list is piling up.

What does being subdued feel like? Let Amadeo tell you. It's a feeling of detachment. You walk slowly, without general purpose, deep in thought, not really sure where your next foot will fall. You usually spend your free time sitting, if you're feeling slightly less subdued, you read. Sometimes you write or play videogames, but all in all, your main activity is sitting. Sometimes you feel tears well up, but you never really feel like crying.

Amadeo misses God.

I miss Amadeo.

Why is he detached? It's a general feeling of trying to climb up a brick wall. It's the feeling you get when you reach out to everyone around you, and really, there's only four people at the moment who are putting as much effort as he is. He's been trying to catch up with countless people who really just don't have the time for him. It doesn't make him sad. It just adds another brick on top of the wall.

Amadeo doesn't really know what he's doing. Amadeo will most likely delete this when he comes to his senses.

If you see him, tell him I say hi.

White Flag, Plastic Bag

2008-12-31T15:29:00.002-05:00

the tree inspired a poem. I'm debating making it a song.

I've kissed mermaids, rode the el niño

2008-11-13T14:28:00.007-05:00

I've been listening to the pixies a lot lately and so I made this in English today.

Cease to resist; Given my goodbyes

Drive my car into the oceaaaan

You think I'm dead

But I sail away

On a wave of mutilation

On a waaaaaave

waaaaaave.

-Pixies, Doolittle.

Outside there's a box car waiting

Outside the family store

Out by the fire breathing

Outside we wait 'til face turns blue

I know the nervous walking

I know the dirty beard hangs

Out by the box car waiting

Take me away to nowhere land

There a wait so long (so long, so long)

Here comes your man

-Pixies, Doolittle

I'd put up an excerpt of debaser, hey, dig for fire, or where is my mind...

but I feel finished.

thanks

2008-11-05T21:18:00.001-05:00

it really is nice to hear that some people read my blog without me sending it out.

life is life.

Halloween for the weak of heart.

2008-10-31T23:07:00.002-04:00

Photography comics!

2008-10-12T21:45:00.000-04:00

I broke the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, AND SIXTH WALL.

The first wall is the one behind you.
The second is a a "yo mama" joke.
The third is hidden in area 61.
The fourth is a stupid expression.
The fifth is the Great Wall of China.
And the sixth is your heart. You love me!

This features (in order of appearance,) Miguel, Max Amadeo, The Holy Spirit, Mitt Romney, and finally Salvador Dalí, the great God of surrealism.

statistics yet again

2008-09-12T16:03:00.001-04:00

fuck stat. Count the times I fell asleep.

so I was showing this off to a friend right after class and the teacher walked by. fuck me in the ass.

I'm going, going, gone, all weekend. Have fun!

Philosophy

2008-09-09T21:46:00.000-04:00

if you notice, philosophy is misspelled at the top. hahahahahaha.

If you read the whole thing, then you're awesome. There's a second page with actual notes from the last few minutes of class but it's not much...

statistics class

2008-09-08T20:00:00.001-04:00

I love it. if you can read it in order (1-18) than I will be impressed.

tell me if you think anything means anything. I'm always looking for a reason in these things.

you might need to zoom in a bit for this one. Certainly click on the picture

2008-08-20T00:12:00.000-04:00

I went on a bike trip!
Many stories to tell, many of which will be made into comics eventually, but first, i had this one mostly done already.

vampires!

2008-08-06T15:33:00.001-04:00

So they weren't actually vampires, they just looked very angry and unfriendly. It's more fun with vampires though. Miguel (Who is hard to draw), says they actually were vampires, but not like evil ones, but they didn't mean any harm, they were just kinda like gay people in the 18th century. (if that makes sense?)

You might notice that the vampires are the first things I've drawn on here with mouths. I liked the idea of nobody having mouths, but you can't have a vampire without fangs.

tally ho!

goin' to the gym

2008-08-05T20:51:00.001-04:00

This is for Kiran, whom I went to the gym with today. The above was the first time we had ever been.

Yeah... I like drawing my own hair. There's a pattern to how I'm making it. It's rather simple. Can you figure it out?

I watched "generation kill" today on HBO. Logan joined the marines, and was shipped to boot camp a few days ago. I never really knew him well, but I worry for him.

I wouldn't expect me to post twice in a day again, just for the record.

First post?

2008-08-05T16:27:00.000-04:00

I'm blogging? It seems I am. Kind of. I've always been a fan of badly-drawn journal comics. Yay!

I hope you enjoy, and even if you don't, may the concept of a mindwalk stick with you. Call up a friend and try it.

What is a mindwalk? A mindwalk is a walk you take at night, usually best done with other people, (find a good location to go on these, parks I find best) on which you either think or converse, and come to an epiphany. Sometimes I go on these. These are stories from my life.

first post: This took place a long time ago.